So, I’m back. It’s been quite the long, strange several months - full of ups and downs.

Here’s a few brief headlines, before I get into the meat of the issue. Hmm, is that correct for a veggie to say? How about the tofu of the issue? Or am I just writing this too late at night again?

I’m finding faith - or at least I have a sudden inkling of what is the right path, at least for the forseeable future. And I’m clinging on to that.

I got the job I interviewed for - once again I am a gainfully employed person.

Tom and I have finished almost a year of couples’ counseling and things have been going so much better - I am thrilled.

I slipped off the wagon, relapsed, went out, whatever you call it, I started drinking again. After five months sober. I was thinking I could just have a drink or two on Fridays and Saturdays… um…. nope. And so I’m trying AA again.

Therapy has been really hard recently. I’m trying to deal with the flashbacks, learning more…. I’m struggling to come to terms with what was and what might have been. It’s been bringing back my depression, and I’m working to avoid isolating. And I’ve decided to do therapy twice a week.

Last night things were hard. I felt raw. Everything made me feel like crying. I went to an AA meeting, but didn’t even listen… just sat and felt. Sad. Nothing changed it… not going to a bookstore, not getting a new book (in hard back too!), nothing. But I didn’t push it away. I sat with it. All freaking night long. And it sucked. Sucked sucked sucked. And bit. Which is not a good thing, mixing sucking and biting.

But this morning I woke up, and it was sunny, and warm, and the beasts were in bed with me and I had the whole weekend stretching out in front of me - and with Tom out of town I could do anything I want. I had energy… the world had possibility. And I decided to go to a meeting, in the Mission. One that I had gone to and loved. And when I got there, I saw two friends from school. And it was good. I made plans with one woman to meet up again next week. Afterwords I wandered around the Mission, checked out a used book store. I came home, spent time with the beasts, then played my game, read my new book and went to bed early. All in all, it was about the closest thing to a perfect day that I have gotten in quite some time.

One of the things that made today so perfect began with something that happened at the meeting. During her check-in one woman told this story: Imagine you are standing on a cliff. God stands on another cliff, directly across from you, separated by a huge chasm. Bridging the chasm is a single tightrope. God walks the rope across the chasm and stops before you. This is hope. Then he says, “Get on my back, I will take you across.” Being carried across the chasm… this is faith.

And for the briefest of instances I *got* it. And I understood why some people need to be Christian. Perhaps they need a God they can touch, and see. A human God. Suddenly, I thought - I understand Jesus. And maybe I need him too. Because I need a human face for God. Not that God could be fully expressed by a human, in my opinion, but that through Jesus we get a glimpse of God.

Something in this story, this revelation, mixed with the book I bought (Practicing Resurrection) combined in me to renew the draw I have felt to Christianity. My spiritual search has been a rather convoluted so far. I bounce from Christianity to Judaism to Paganism and back, with a dash of Buddhism thrown in for good measure. But I understand that I need to choose a path and walk it. At least for some time. Otherwise, I will just sit where I am, and never get where I am going. Many paths may lead to God, but one must walk it. And so I am making a beginning.

all writing � Kat 2002,2003

Posted on May 25th, 2003 by Kat
Filed under: AA, Spirituality, General