I’ve pretty much written Oz off. In the last couple of months I’ve discovered he’s not who I thought he was. At least, there’s a lot of him I hadn’t seen before and now that I have, I’m left disappointed and cold. And hurt. Very hurt.

I saw Oz through a sheen of giddiness, the dazzle of infatuation. I know that now. I knew that then, but I didn’t expect that I was quite as wrong as I was. After all, I tend to see everyone in a rather starry-light when I first get to know them. I’m easily entranced by other people. I find them fascinating and curious and intriguing.

Tom may not know it, but I felt that way about him in the beginning. And I don’t tell him enought that even now, 10 years later, I’m sometimes side-swiped by that same roller-coaster-losing-your-stomach-but-in-a-good-way feeling. But that’s an entry for later. This is my closure of things with Oz.

The relationship between Oz and I was the most swift-moving I’ve ever experienced. From the moment we met, we were swept up in something that carried us both away. We spent hours together, and yet somehow I don’t think either one of us knew the other. I think we saw the pieces we wanted to see and closed our eyes to the rest. Not many questions were asked. Clearly not enough questions were asked. There wasn’t much thinking ahead on either of our parts. People warned us, but we thought we knew better. We thought we could make things work. For a while, I think we did.

But then I discovered that what we were doing wasn’t making anyone fully happy. Everyone was being hurt and no one was getting all of what they wanted, or even what they needed. Fortunately, we brought things to a close. Even then, for a while, we thought we could make things work as friends. How could it be otherwise, after the time we spent together talking? I thought we had a bond, borne of that time together, borne of our sharing pieces of ourselves, our past, what we hoped for the future, our shared love of books and magic.

Possibly this was another way in which I was naive. Assuming we could make this transition when there were bound to be hurt feelings and pain. Foolishly, I hadn’t thought of that. For a while, though, it seemed to be working. We’d chat on IM, he’d ask how things were, I’d ask how he was. Then I went to Toronto for the convention. Part way through my days there, Tom called. He had news about Oz.

We’d joked with each other, though it was mostly Tom’s idea, that Oz was on the run from the law. He had no ID, no job, no bank account. I never thought too seriously about it. But I found out, Tom was right. Apparently Oz had stolen from one of his employers, and though he was paying it back, there was a warrant out for his arrest. He had gone home to deal with it. He spent some time in jail - and not for the first time. He had gone before for assaulting a police officer.

It was the first time I understood how little I knew about who Oz is. He presented a piece of himself to me, and I had happily allowed myself to believe that was all there was to him.

As time has passed, I’ve seen more. He is an addict… smokes from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. Sometimes he wakes up in the night to smoke. He is sometimes unconcerned with others’ feelings. He casually insults people and makes racist remarks. Even this only partially hit home, until one night Tom came to bed, irritated about him.

I asked what had happened. Oz had been a jerk in a game they were playing. And he made a comment about me. I asked what he’d said. He said to Tom, “What’s the matter, chub-chub won’t have sex with you?”

For me, that was it. He had no idea he’d said anything wrong - even though he well knew I am not comfortable with my body. He made the comment in front of Tom, his brother, and several other people, and thought nothing of it. Even later, he thought I was mad because of the way he played the game with Tom. I confronted him, he said it was ‘just a joke’ and I ’shouldn’t be upset.’

I have been disillusioned, as Tom knew I would be. And I’m left a little less trusting in the innate goodness of people.

Good-bye, Oz.

Posted on January 25th, 2004 by Kat
Filed under: General