I’m in the midst of a depression. I’m not sure where it came from, or exactly what triggered it. Tom blames the lack of meds. Probably that’s a part of it. My body’s gotten used to having the extra boost over the past couple of years - but since the meds may be causing the Worms, I needed to give my body a chance to settle. While it does, though, it seems to be sending my brain into painful loops. Of course, we’re mixing this with a move, an unexpected wedding, the end of my job, the death of the family dog, yet another cold/flu for me and one for Tom too, a looming birthday (last of the twenties - ack) and the possibility that Dad won’t be coming to the main wedding after all. Swirl all this into a nice glop and serve. Can I please just sleep for a month - or at the very least take a vacation from my life? During this time - someone else needs to solve all of my problems for me. Shouldn’t be too difficult, right? Volunteers?

It’s the oddest thing - I lash out at Tom in anger for the smallest provocation. Even as I do, I know it’s wrong but I don’t stop myself. It’s like a protective mechanism - if I don’t, I will shatter. I don’t know what’s underneath, what will be exposed if I do break. Maybe just the hole that appears in me in times like this, gaping wide. Bottomless. And since Tom’s sick, my anger makes everything worse. Issues come up between us that neither of us is in a frame of mind to deal with in a productive way. I feel guilty and that compounds the anger. After too much useless arguing, I went to bed in the guest room last night. In that place of solitude, I could finally let go of the anger and to the frustration with myself.

This morning I’ve been reading “One God Clapping” by Rabbi Alan Lew and there’s a line where, in the midst of a painful time, he says he is ‘choking on himself’. For some reason this struck me. I was lying in bed, trying to figure out what the hell is going on with myself, why I’m feeling like this and what I should do about it and this line gave me a glimpse of understanding. I’m stuck in my growth. I want to be writing, but I’m not. I want to be pursuing my faith search, but I’m not. I want to connect with Tom more deeply, but I’m not. I want to be a part of a community, but I’m not. Tom pushes my buttons around all of this and it makes everything worse. I feel like I’ve made all of these strides - breaking out of my patterns of fear and out of my closed life, but then I hit a wall and get stuck again. I’m spinning my wheels and I hate it.

The worst part of it, is that the mood feels endless. I worry that I’ll never get out, never move through it. That I’ll be this moody, whiny, bitchy, fearful person all my life. That I’ll chase everyone away. And that if I do have kids, they’ll be stuck with moods like this too. I prefer to take the pain myself - I’d rather be sick than have Tom sick; I’d rather be in a bad mood than have him in one. Not my choice, though having kids is. In times like this, I feel like I should choose not to.

In a moment of light in this crappy place I was watching Futurama. Does this sound like anyone you know: “Finally solitude, I can read books for all eternity”. ~ Futurama

Posted on February 23rd, 2005 by Kat
Filed under: General