Coming back up is a much slower process than the descent, but it seems I’m starting to surface. Even without the benefits of medication. The weather’s helped a lot. I’ve been trying to spend some time outside in the sun every day, even if it’s just an hour or so. Today I took the beasts for a walk and then sat on the front porch, reading. One of the things I like about this house is the porch. I can sit in the sun in the afternoon and listen to the birds.

I spent most of the weekend relaxing, with a dose of retail therapy tossed in there too. Nothing like some good books, a new Indonesian restaurant and a new bathing suit to brighten the mood. The best part of the weekend, though, was a trip to Baker Beach with Tom. We didn’t stay for very long, but it didn’t matter. The sun was bright and warm, we were together looking out over the Golden Gate bridge and the Marin headlands and just watching as the waves rolled in. The waves at Baker Beach seemed much higher than any at Ocean Beach, even though the areas are only a couple of miles apart (give or take). The wind was blowing off the ocean and the mist cooled my bare arms. I needed a bit of ocean spirit. I’m not sure I could ever live very far away from the ocean. I’m a Pisces girl, after all.

I’ve been reading books on Buddhism lately. I’m not sure what got me pointed in that direction, but I’ve been finding some of it helpful. Or at least hopeful. Something I’ve been trying is to just have my feelings without judging them, or myself for having them. Here’s the way it usually works – I start feeling sad or anxious or depressed and then I think, ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this way. There’s no reason for it. It’s bad. I need to stop…’ It happens with physical feelings too. My stomach hurts and then the brain-babble starts, ‘Your stomach hurts. This is bad. You know what might happen.’ Needless to say, this doesn’t help. It doesn’t get rid of the feelings. So my goal is to just feel the way I’m feeling.

My second goal is to remember that feelings come and go. None are permanent. Just because I’m depressed, or sad, or anxious, or nauseous doesn’t mean I will feel that way forever. It also means that good moods won’t last either. It’s all waves, right? I need to let them flow through and try not to hold them down or clutch them to me. I’m trying to keep one foot in the feelings, and one foot out – observing the feelings.

Easier said than done, of course – but I’m finding that it does help, some. Maybe one of these days I’ll take myself down to the San Francisco Zen Center and see if I can sit still long enough to actually meditate.

Posted on May 24th, 2005 by Kat
Filed under: Spirituality, General