I know I haven’t said much in here lately. Wendy says she knows things are getting bad with me when I start disappearing myself, and I’ve been doing that - not going to AA, skipping out on a second writing group I was planning on joining, burying myself in any book I can get my hands on, barely communicating with anyone online or off. There’s a combination of factors keeping me silent. When I sit down to write an entry I annoy even myself with my whining and repetition. I don’t like being in my own head, why would I encourage anyone else to join me there? But more than that, I feel foggy. Everything feels buried too deep in a place beyond words. I’m having trouble translating what’s going on in my heart into something even I can understand.

It’s not as bad as it had been - I’m getting less panic attacks. I’m usually able to eat a reasonable meal. I’m finding times of relief, times of happiness. Even times when I find myself looking forward to something. I think that’s one of the most encouraging things for me, that I’m able to imagine a future when good things would happen. For a while I wasn’t even looking forward to the wedding. All I could think about were ways that I might be uncomfortable. Now, in the moments when I’m not actively anxious I find myself feeling a little bit of hope. I might be able to pull this off. I’m not sure what ‘this’ means - maybe just going from today to tomorrow to tomorrow.

Yesterday was a good day, at least for most of it. Tom and I went to breakfast at Denny’s. While we were waiting for the food, we had our normal running commentary about whatever happened to be passing through our minds (the ‘blog-ification’ of absolutely every form of online writing, including journals; home improvement stuff being marketed to women; GoogleJuice and other random nonsense). Apparently we amuse more people than just ourselves, the man sitting next to us suggested we get a PodCast - he’d listen to us. I will admit to feeling rather flattered - it’s the exhibitionist in me.

After breakfast we drove downtown and Tom tried on his wedding tux - it’s going to be a Zoot Suit! How cool is that? Before we called it a day and went home for Cambodian food and endless games of Uno we stopped at “Coffee to the People”, a new coffee shop in the Haight that is owned by one of Pat’s friends. It’s a cute place and I managed to avoid rampant ‘you own a business of your own and you’re younger than me’ jealousy. Tom and I were joking and laughing and generally having a good time. Part way through the afternoon I turned to him and said, “I’m having a good day.” It’s been a long time since I could say that and mean it.

I spent more of today feeling uncomfortable (though I managed to avoid any actual panic attacks), but there were good times too. Tom and I headed out to Strawberry Hill in Golden Gate Park where I attempted to learn how to use my manual SLR camera. Sadly, it doesn’t have a light meter (and I have no idea what F-stops or apertures are or how they relate - I am a CameraTard), so I have no clue how any of my pictures came out. I’ll be picking up the film tomorrow - we’ll see if anything came out.

I’m adding a new Dream Job to my current list - I think I’m up to 4 or so. Owner of a women’s bookstore, Bestselling author, famous singer and now - Photographer for Cool Famous People. Everyone’s got a dream, right?

Posted on July 31st, 2005 by Kat
Filed under: General