Married life – technically we’ve had about 6 months of it, but our real ceremony was on August 20th, so it’s only been 11 days. There have been highs and lows, moments of pure joy and lingering sadness. We’ve had our first post ceremony sex and our first post ceremony fight. I suppose it’s been just like the rest of life, even though it felt for so long that the ceremony (and reception) was the be-all end-all. My sponsor, J., would remind me to think about Sunday when I’d get in an anxiety spin about the wedding and for a moment (and sometimes longer) I almost couldn’t believe there would be a Sunday. Needless to say, there was. And a Monday, a Tuesday, a next week. And here I am, 11 days later.

Everything went so fast, maybe because of the length of anticipation, maybe because of nerves, maybe because of my excitement – or all of the above. Whatever the cause, once we got up to Mendocino, it felt like everything passed in a blink. I barely had time to digest any of it as it was happening, and now I feel like I’m only just getting the full impact – even as the memories slip away. I’m left with snapshot memories – waiting with Mom to walk down the aisle, standing facing Tom as we began our vows, glimpses of our friends and family as they watched the ceremony, the dinner, the dancing… It was, in all ways, better than I’d hoped.

The only hard part was dinner on ceremony day. I’d had a bit of worms earlier in the day, which made me worry. I took half of one pill my psychiatrist had prescribed and managed to relax enough to eat something. No full blown panic attack, or worm attack. I felt so lucky. Having Mel in town was perfect, too. I got to keep her company through all of the events, so she took care of me too. Whenever I needed a bit of solitude, I was able to escape with her to the fringes of things. I’m still working on an entry about our time in San Francisco – at the moment, suffice it to say it was laughter-filled, event-filled and far too short.

Dinner on Friday night was at MendoBistro, a restaurant run by Nicholas – one of the caterers we didn’t choose for the ceremony dinner. It had been a tough choice, and knowing we could have the rehearsal dinner at his restaurant made it easier. The only downside of the dinner was that Nicholas wasn’t wearing his jester hat (apparently it’s too hot for cooking in, and getting grease on it is bad). He did, however, still have his lovely curling mustache. And the food was very tasty – we had a choice, Grilled Salmon with Salsa Verde and Summer Succotash or Tofu with Crisp Soba Noodle Cake & Mango Peach Salsa . There were about 6 out of 25 that had the tofu. Yeah, our families are big on the vegetarian thing.

What struck me most about the rehearsal dinner was how well it worked. We only had closest relatives (parents, grandparents, siblings, bridesmaids and groomsmen and significant others) at the dinner because otherwise we would have ended up with a huge group, but even so I was a bit worried that people would just sit in silence with nothing in common. Silence? In Tom’s and my families? I should never have worried. People mingled, even moving around the tables sometimes, to meet people they hadn’t or just to chat. Emily and Arnaud spoke French with Ross and Kate. Des kept Mel entertained.

The only brief scandal happened when Mallory (my step-sister) ‘forgot’ to pick up Grandma for dinner. There was a brief melt-down on Mom’s part, but it all got worked out and the plentiful wine got things back into a mellow atmosphere. Mel and I got tired early and we retired to a (supremely uncomfortable) couch nearby and just watched and listened to everyone.

Saturday started beautifully with breakfast in bed (pancakes and fruit) served by the lovely Mel. We ran some last minute errands – getting non-alcoholic wine for me and other AA’s to have with dinner and sparkling cider for the toasts, as well as nail polish and chocolate for fortification. I got to relax with a manicure (also provided by Mel – the girl deserves a service award, let me just say), a sandwich (provided by Arnaud) and a girl-makeover. Pictures will prove the truth of the statement, but somehow Mel and Mallory managed to make me look like a proper girl, makeup, perfect nails, tweezed eyebrows and all. I had my princess day, after all.

It took us all a bit longer than expected to get dressed and made up, so the ceremony started lateish. Ah well, I’m almost never on time. Why should this day be any different?

I think one of the best parts of the day was waiting with Mom to walk down the aisle after the bridesmaids had already gone. It was a chance to be with her, to say goodbye in a way. (Moment of imperfection – I started out the door of the house and promptly got my train stuck on the door. Oops!) Fortunately Mom got me unstuck without any tearing.

Chris (our officiant) did a superb job and the ceremony was exactly what we wanted. There was just the right mix of poignancy of humor. We had three readings to set the tone:

The Prophet: On Marriage ~ Khalil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

The Best Time of the Day – Raymond Carver

Cool summer nights.
Windows open.
Lamps burning.
Fruit in the bowl.
And your head on my shoulder.
These the happiest moments in the day.

Next to the early morning hours,
of course. And the time
just before lunch.
And the afternoon, and
early evening hours.
But I do love

these summer nights.
Even more, I think,
than those other times.
The work finished for the day.
And no one who can reach us now.
Or ever.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart) ~ e.e.cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Mel read the Khalil Gibran, Emily read Raymond Carver and Ross read the ee cummings. They all did wonderful jobs (especially since they’d just gotten the readings the day before).

Our vows both made people laugh, and touched them. This is how it went:

Kat: Though we have shared 12 joyous years together, I have felt the need for a public commitment.

Tom: When I proposed last year, I chose to make a deeper commitment to you. This is why we are here.

K: I love you because of your integrity and commitment to your principles. I love you because you accept me as I am. With you I can be completely myself.

T: I love you because of your generosity and kindness to others. I love you because you believe in me and your belief helps me achieve all that I can.

K: I will be patient with your eccentricities. (insert audience laughter here) I will be supportive of whatever brings you fulfillment. I will believe in you when others may doubt.

T: I know I am not perfect (insert audience laughter here, too) and I will make allowances for your imperfections. I will care for you when you are ailing. I will respect your differences and support your passions.

It felt so right to have people laugh – I hope that laughter can always be a part of my relationship with Tom. Nothing is too serious for a joke, and sometimes it’s exactly what we need to lighten a mood.

I wanted some of the ceremony to symbolize both the sweetness and the difficulty present in every relationship, but especially in a committed relationship. Chris wrote this piece, taking a bit from a honey ceremony and the Jewish ceremony with the wine and wineglass.

Officiant: Honey is the sweetness of life. Share it as a reminder of the joy you will create together.

Tom and I touched each other’s tongue with the honey saying: Taste the sweetness.

Officiant: Wine is a symbol of bitterness and strength. Share it as a reminder of the strength you give each other to withstand the vicissitudes of life.

Tom and I give each other a taste of the wine saying: Taste the bitterness and the strength.

The funny part – after we drank, Tom had to empty the glass so it could be wrapped for him to step on. Of course, he downed it in one gulp. Fortunately no one chanted, “chug… chug!”

Surprisingly enough, I didn’t cry during the ceremony. I think part of that was the whole thing felt almost unreal, like a dream. After so much wishing, planning, worrying, hoping it finally happened. Perhaps even more surprisingly Tom did cry (I’m not certain when, but I think during the vows). Something in that touched me deeply. Maybe because it showed that this ceremony really meant something to him – it wasn’t just words or something I made him do. He felt, and felt for me. The civil ceremony didn’t seem to touch either of us in the way this did.

I still can’t believe it’s over. I’m sure when we were walking back up the aisle together that I was grinning like a huge freak. We’d done it!

The dancing was probably my favorite part of the evening. Our first song was Neil Young’s “Harvest Moon”. Tom picked it out, probably a day after he actually proposed to me, if that late. He really wanted it to be our song and I agreed. We danced close and for the first (and only) time during the whole day it felt like just the two of us there. It might sound cheesy (what other time can I be this cheesy?), but only Tom and I existed in that moment. We held each other and moved together… I felt closer to him than I had in ages. It was a perfect moment.

The next song on the playlist was a song I’d been named after. It was totally my turn to cry. It was the only time during the whole weekend that I thought about Dad. During that song, I allowed myself to really feel his absence, his abandonment. I wanted him there with me on that day… or maybe more accurately, a father that’s more a piece of my imagination than anything I’ve actually had. It was a time of pure grief. It was also, fortunately, short.

And then we all danced. For hours. I danced with Tom’s step-dad, with one of his little cousins, with the daughter of our friends Nick and Melanie. The coolest thing about dancing with these girls was how much I felt like a princess. All of the magic I’d felt about the day was shining in their eyes. I could see the reflection of their own desires to someday be where I was. And I wish all of my happiness (and more) for them as they grow up.

I danced with Pat and Melly and Mom and everyone. I danced in my dress until the strap on one of my sandals broke and then Emily, Mallory and Melly helped me change into a new sexy outfit I got just for dancing, and then I hit the floor again. We danced to old songs and new songs and silly songs. It was hot and sweaty, but we kept dancing. We would have gone late into the night, but had to shut down at 10pm, when we moved inside.

Unfortunately, most of the crowd had to leave because the shuttles from our house to the hotels weren’t running any later. The one regret I have is that I didn’t have a chance to spend as much time with everyone as I would have liked. I got to say hello to everyone in the receiving line, but didn’t get a chance to talk to everyone for very long. Somehow I thought the evening would be longer.

Back at the house, Tom showed the DVD of our civil ceremony and there were many rounds of Air Hockey. The Air Hockey table was one of the best things about the house. Mel and I played about a billion games. One of us would be ahead, then the other until eventually we’d lose track and just play until we were breathless and giggling.

Tom and I went to bed early – into a room decorated beautifully by our wonderful bridesmaids. My veil was laid out over the bed and sprinkled with rose petals. There was a vase of roses, candlelight and a plate of strawberries and chocolate. The mood was set before we arrived.

I’ll leave the rest of the evening to the imagination. Suffice it to say – it was the perfect end to a perfect day.

It all happened so fast and even now the memory is fading. I’m looking forward to getting the pictures from the reception tables developed – maybe then I can hold tighter to this feeling. After so long of dreaming of that day (and fearing it too), I can’t believe it’s over.

Though, if I really pay attention – this is a beginning, not an end. Tom and I are, as Chris said in the ceremony, beginning our community. An intentional community. A tribe of our own.

Come a little bit closer
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin’
We could dream this night away.

But there’s a full moon risin’
Let’s go dancin’ in the light
We know where the music’s playin’
Let’s go out and feel the night.

Because I’m still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers
I watched you from afar
When we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart.

But now it’s gettin’ late
And the moon is climbin’ high
I want to celebrate
See it shinin’ in your eye.

Because I’m still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

~ Neil Young

Posted on August 31st, 2005 by Kat
Filed under: Wedding '05, General