I haven’t been writing as much as I’d planned during this past month. I haven’t made my holidaily quota, although I did manage to pass the required marks at the right time to avoid being placed in Holidailies at Home, which is something. But it’s not what I wanted – last year I updated every day, even if they entries were short. Last year I felt like I had things to say, this year I had a harder time. What I’ve come to realize (just today in fact) is that this lack of communication is part of a larger problem.

I’ve been letting my world shrink over the past few months. I haven’t gotten together with friends very often. I haven’t spoken to them by phone. I have barely kept up with Mel by email and what I did send tended to be… lacking. I talk a bit more to Mom, and Tom. But even with them I don’t explain everything that is going on with me. For example, yesterday I got a phone call from one of the companies where I submitted my resume and they wanted to schedule an interview. Excited by the prospect of a paying job, I told Tom. He was surprised – I hadn’t told him I was submitting resumes at all. I thought I told him, but I hadn’t. I don’t know if I expect people to read my mind, or what.

The truth is, when I’m so anxious and depressed I don’t like being around myself and I end up assuming other people won’t want to be with me either. I isolate, and things get worse. Eventually I realize that no one knows what’s going on with me. No one knows where I’ve gone. And I don’t know how to explain. Or, more truthfully, I’m afraid of explaining. I’m afraid of being a downer. Of being boring or annoying or whiny. I’m afraid that people will get sick of me and walk away. Instead I walk away first. I don’t give people the opportunity to behave differently than the way I assume they will. I don’t give people the chance to be supportive.

Wendy thinks my emetophobia is partially a metaphor – I don’t want to let people see my messiness, my guts. I try to control everything, all of my feelings, all of my actions, and all of other people’s as well. Needless to say, I can’t. But I try and in trying my world gets smaller and smaller until it’s just me in a little curl. I don’t know how I ended up here and I’m not sure how to find my way out.

So this weekend I’m getting together with Anat and Knute. We’re going to get dinner tomorrow night. And I’m going to try to explain why I’ve disappeared. I’m going to be honest. And we’ll see what happens.

Posted on January 6th, 2006 by Kat
Filed under: Holidailies 2005, General