Yesterday marked the technical beginning of spring. Here in San Francisco spring begins weeks earlier. Trees begin to blossom, flowers poke out of the earth. Our back yard, which has been mostly mud, grass and doggie land mines, sprouts beautiful yellow flowers. I have no idea what they’re called or where they come from but when the sun shines on them in the morning and they all open up it’s surprisingly pretty. It never fails to make me smile. Our neighbors grew jasmine on the fence separated our yards; it’s blooming again and the fragrance has become one of my favorites. We’re beginning to get a respite from the cold and the rain.

The best part of this time of year is the feeling of renewal. And I’ve been fortunate enough to feel renewed as well. I’ve begun to level out emotionally, allowing me to feel more like myself. I have energy; I have ambition; I find myself having good days again. I’m remembering how it is to feel good, rather than simply not bad. I’m looking forward to things again. I’m finding inspiration in the most unlikely places. I’ve been writing again, both fanfiction and regular fiction. I’ve had more ideas for stories than I have in ages. I’m taking steps forward in my life.
After much deliberation, I quit the internship. Not in the best way and I still might need to do something about cleaning that up so I don’t leave myself with this feeling of shame, but I did it. For the time being the plan is to write. I’m going to quit saying, ‘what if’ and ’someday’ and just do it. Tom has given me this opportunity and I am so grateful. We talked about it several times, and he said he wanted me to be excited about what I do with my life - that following my passion is the most important thing. I’ve always considered myself a writer, and everything else I’ve done has been a filler job. Writing is my heart. Needless to say I’m nervous about how this will work out, but I’m going for it.

I’m also turning over a new leaf in working around the house. Since I’m not working at a job for the moment, I’ve been contributing to the household in other ways. I’ve been walking the dogs daily. I’ve been working to keep the house clean, though I’m still not perfect. I’ve been cooking dinners in an attempt to eat real food rather than living off frozen and canned dinners. I may not be a wonderful cook, but I can follow recipes. I might sound like a good little housewife, but if it allows me to write full time I am more than happy to be one.

In this time I’m also planning on creating more of a community around myself. I want to start going back to AA meetings regularly. Maybe not daily (because we’ve seen how well I do that), but much more often than I have been. I want to find a spiritual community - I’m struggling with where to begin; I’ve been reading a lot and trying to find my way. I’m going to do better at keeping in touch with friends and spending time with them. I need to have more of a life than just family.
For the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel like good things are on the horizon again. I am so pleased to have made it through the Winter and reached Spring.

Posted on March 21st, 2006 by Kat
Filed under: General