Today turned out to be a therapeutic sort of day - some parts were easier than others, but I ended up feeling good in balance. I talked with Wendy about Q’s suggestion to go to Michigan. That was the hardest part of the day. Since I had that conversation, I’ve been avoiding thinking about it. I know he’s right - I’m not going to be able to have any real relationship with Dad unless the air between us is cleared. And that means I need to say everything I’ve been thinking and see what happens next. I keep wishing I could follow in Q’s footsteps and just have a superficial phone relationship with Dad. But even that wouldn’t work without doing the middle step. I know that’s true, even though I wish it weren’t. I worry about what it will feel like on the other side of the conversation. I worry about losing all hope for a real relationship. (Not that I have much hope now…) But Mom cautions me about imagining that Dad will change and take responsibility. She says ‘if he could, we’d still be married.’ And I hear what she’s saying, but part of me keeps wishing that he might have changed in the intervening years, that he might have grown.

Thinking about going to Michigan and confronting Dad makes my stomach hurt. It gets all knotted, clenched like a fist and goes all nauseous. I’d rather not think about it at all. Although, if I could be free of this baggage, the weight of unspoken words, in a way that ignoring it can’t make me - I imagine I would feel lighter. Emptier, but in a good way. Free. Like an unknotted string floating in a breeze. The thought that I could come to that place of lightness makes me think that all of the fear and stress and uncomfortableness might be worth it. Hell, I could use my experience as a base for a piece of my novel. Good would come of it then, without a doubt. But imagining the confrontation - that makes me feel sick.
Wendy asked if I could just sit and let Dad have his feelings - I’ll be full of my own. It feels impossible. I’m not sure how to just let it pass over me without trying to fix it, make it better, control it. What if he cried? Could I keep from saying, ‘oh don’t worry about it. it’s okay.’ Because I would be lying and that wouldn’t change anything.

All of his life things have been ‘not his fault’. Teachers didn’t like him so he got bad grades. Mom was a bitch and took advantage so they divorced. I didn’t just accept the party he offered instead of coming to the wedding so he’s not responsible for my anger. Now here I am saying ‘yes it is your responsibility. It is your fault. You are an adult. Step up and take responsibility.” What makes me think he’ll have any idea how? Or have any capability. No one’s forced/encouraged/taught him how to grow. But if I don’t try, who will?

Fortunately I went to an AA meeting after therapy. It helped me to get my head out of my own ass and on to other things. It reminded me that I’m not unique in my feelings - and what I’m ashamed of in myself, what I worry about, is part of the human condition. I’m giving the AA thing another try - even though I’ve been sober two and a half years now, I still haven’t gone all the way through the steps. So I’ve found a new temporary sponsor (who might be a permanent sponsor) and I’m going to meetings again.

After that I met Anat, her girlfriend Karen and Knute for dinner. We had kick ass Chinese food in the Sunset, talked about internships and PhD programs and random stuff that’s going on in our lives. It’s been a few months since we all got together so it was fun to catch up. We spent a lot of time laughing. Especially after the fortune cookies. Knute got one that said something about dreams and plans, so Anat asked her to tell us one of her dreams. Knute hemmed and hawed for a bit, and I said, “Oh come on, everyone has a dream.” This cracked Anat up - she said, “Your therapeutic skills are still there, I see.” Yes, it was very non-directive of me. Finally Knute said, “What came to mind was a hairless cat.” And we all dissolved into laughter for about ten minutes. Tears came to our eyes. It was the best moment of the day.

Posted on June 30th, 2006 by Kat
Filed under: Dad, AA, General