The more things stay the same - or so they say. I’m not finding that very true over the last several weeks. Every time I start to feel like I’ve got my feet under me, things shift and I’m knocked off balance again. At this point, I don’t have any idea what my life is going to look like in the next few months. A couple of months ago if you had told me I’d be here, I would have laughed. I felt like my relationship with Tom was solid. We were trying to have a baby, we were working on our house, I was working on my novel, Tom was happy at his job. Then I went to Michigan and when I came back everything had changed. Tom was dating B, he didn’t want to stop. We managed to pull things together and had an amazing week at Burning Man. When we got home, things changed again.

After just a week or so, B decided she wasn’t happy being a secondary. She was developing feelings for Tom and she was interested in another guy who wanted to be monogamous. After much discussion, they decided to stay friends. Needless to say, Tom felt hurt. He was still infatuated with her and held hope that they could make things work. I comforted him, listened as he talked, tried to be supportive. But it felt to me like all of his attention was focused on her, even after things between them ended. He talked about her, he hung out with her, he instant messaged her. I felt like Backup Girl, good when he needed a little propping up, but mostly boring and usual. Not sexy. Not new. I tried to explain my feelings and he swore up and down that it wasn’t true - he still loved me and wanted to be with me.

Last weekend he invited me to a party on Saturday and a barbecue on Sunday. Friday night he wanted to go to a party with his brother’s friends. I expressed my disappointment that we wouldn’t have any time to ourselves - he had arrived home from work after nine, so we couldn’t even have dinner together. He said he did want to spend time with me, that I could join him at the parties and we would have a night together on Wednesday, before Mel arrives. It hurt that we wouldn’t have a weekend night for the two of us, but I agreed. We went out with his brother and M on Friday night and spent the evening at a couple of bars. It wasn’t what I had hoped for, but I had a fine time. P and M were pretty toasted by the time we arrived so I spend most of the night in awkward conversation with inebriated friends. Not my strong suit anymore.

On Saturday Tom and I talked about how uncomfortable it might be to meet B at the party. I said I worried she’d think I was fat and boring. Tom said he thought it would be a weird situation. But we both still planned on going. We had a pleasant afternoon in the sun at the beach. I flew a kite and read, Tom read too. We were a bit distant, focused on our own books, but we were companionable. When we got home, I washed the car (still covered with Playa dust) and Tom chatted with B online. After dinner, it became clear he wanted to go to the party without me. He said he wanted to talk to B about getting back together. I got pissed. I said he was chasing her, that his focus was totally on her, and I was hurt that he was disinviting me from a party. He said he wasn’t chasing her. And he said I could go if I really wanted to. But I wouldn’t have enjoyed sitting around a party where I didn’t know anyone while he tried to convince another girl to date him. I tried to compromise - he would go to the party half of the night, and then go out to a club with me for half of the night. He refused, and left, completely ignoring my hurt feelings. I spent my night grinding my teeth. I called Lisa to see if she might happen to be free, but she wasn’t. It was a shitty night all around.

On Sunday both Tom and I were in a bad mood. His mood improved at the barbecue, and he said he had a good time with his friends. I had a fine time as well, the weather was beautiful, the park was newly redone and the people I met were friendly. I felt a little awkward, not being one of the coworkers and not drinking, and I worried that B would show up… but overall it was a positive experience. I still hurt from the night before, but the mood was fading.

Yesterday I confronted Tom about a concert we were supposed to attend together with B and a group of his coworkers. I had been asking about tickets (he and B already had a pair) but he’d been putting me off. Finally he said he didn’t want me to go. The distance between us yawned wide. The concert was one of his favorite groups and I wanted to share that experience with him, but he didn’t want me there. It felt like he’d rather have B there. He said that wasn’t it, but wouldn’t explain. Until last night, when he told me it’s because I don’t like him to get drunk or stoned when we’re together.

Apparently he’s been feeling like I won’t let him have any fun. I won’t let him experience San Francisco by going to clubs and parties, staying out as late as he wants and doing as much drugs and alcohol as he wants. He feels like I’m trying to control him and he hates it. He told me I’m a miserable person with no friends and he doesn’t want to be like that. It was an echo of something M had told me Friday night. She said, “It’s good you came out. We’ve been feeling like you’re just the wife who sits around the house and won’t let her husband go out and have any fun.”

The chasm between us grew and I don’t know what to do about it. After many tears, a slammed door, and endless frustration I came up with a solution. For a month Tom and I can both do what we want. He can date B if she’ll have him, get as drunk and stoned as he wants, he can stay out all night or whatever. I can eat whatever I want, date men or women, go out on my own, do whatever I want with my hair. No attempting to control each other.

He swears he still wants to be with me, that he’s happy we’re married, that he still wants to have kids. I’ve put the kids thing on hold indefinitely, but absolutely during this month. I’m not sure what will be left of our relationship at the end of things. I feel like we’ll just keep drifting apart until there’s no marriage left. Maybe… but I’m hoping that we’ll come out stronger at the other end.

Until then, I’m taking steps to convert to Judaism and am planning on joining a synagogue. I’m planning on joining a writing group and meeting more people. I’m going to expand my support system and probably get a part time job (at the very least). I know that I have friends and family who love me - I am not alone. But at this moment, I feel profoundly lonely.

Posted on September 19th, 2006 by Kat
Filed under: General