I’m still not completely certain where I am going, or what I am doing, but things are slowly returning to some semblance of normal. Or stasis. Or something. Everything isn’t the way it was, or is it perfect… but at least I don’t have a knot in my stomach all the time. I have to say - it’s nice to have a moment of peace, or stillness. Even if it ends up being the eye of the storm.

On Friday, at Wendy’s suggestion I went to an Al-Anon meeting. I figured it could be helpful considering my tendencies to focus on Tom and what he’s doing rather than myself. Whether it’s a focus on his drinking or his relationship (or lack thereof) with B, it’s not a focus on my life (or lack thereof). One of the most helpful things I heard was a slogan: Mind your own business, and have your own business to mind. The truth of the matter is, I’ve let my life become small again. I do it a lot - it’s constantly a struggle with my shyness, anxiety and general awkwardness. I slide into the ease of staying home, watching TV, writing, reading, talking to Tom, emailing Mel. I get together with Mom. I wander San Francisco and hang out in cafe’s. But I rarely get together with friends. I worry about calling, about intruding. I just worry. And so I don’t, I just hide out.

In the past few weeks I’ve been working against my tendencies in small steps. I’ve been getting together with Lisa more often. We’ve gone out for dinner, and I’ve spend several afternoons and evenings hanging out and laughing and playing with her (extemely adorable) son. She’s beginning to train me to be a cancer registrar and I’ve been making an effort to actually keep in touch with her by calling, for instance.

It’s funny - I’ve been reading a couple of chick-lit novels lately. They’re both by an author (Kris Radish) whose first novel I really enjoyed. I came across them randomly in the library the other day and picked them up. Anyway - she writes about the friendships between women and how important they are for a life well lived. I completely agree with that, and it emphasized how lacking that’s been in my life lately. I have a couple of very close friends, but not the circle that I’m wishing for. She writes a short scene where a woman meets another woman on an airplane and they get to chatting and end up becoming friends, easy as that. I just wish it were that easy, like falling into something that had already started. Once in a while it is that easy - but then real life kicks in. Effort has to be made and that’s where my insecurities fit in.

But I’ve been thinking - I’m 30. I’m not going to live forever. How do I want to spend this one life that I have? (Because who knows what comes next?) I don’t want to live ruled by fear. I want a larger circle of friends, women to laugh with, cry with, dance with… I want to sing.

Posted on October 12th, 2006 by Kat
Filed under: General