Today was my second meeting with the midwives at the hospital. I met the other midwife in the practice, J - and I think I may like her even better than M, who I met last time. Of course that could be because I was a bit more relaxed this time, having been in once before. Or because Tom came along for the ride. Or because I had some questions so it gave her a chance to connect more with me. Or it could just be that I click better with J. I’ll see both during the course of my pregnancy, but when the time comes to choose a primary I may choose J. It’s funny - I don’t owe either of them anything but I feel a bit like I’m abandoning M if I do choose J. I’m not good at decisions like that, where I worry that someone will feel slighted. I spend too much time thinking about other people. After all - it’s nothing personal. Or, I guess it is personal, but it’s not like I think M is a bad midwife or a bad person.

It was a good appointment, though. There were a couple of things we needed to talk about. I’ve gotten some mixed thoughts from various sources about staying on the Parlodel (to treat the adenoma) - when I first got the prescription from my endocrinologist he said I’d stay on even during pregnancy. Then, when I actually got pregnant and mentioned I’d like to breast feed, he said stop taking it. Then M called to consult with him and he said go back on. She talked to one of the doctors in the practice, and she said I could probably stay off. Apparently the adenoma is borderline in size - not quite large or small enough to make the answer clear in either direction. J said she’d talked to the doctor too, and since I want to breast feed, and I’d like to have as natural of a pregnancy as possible then I should stay off. If my symptoms change, then we can reevaluate. In my opinion this is a good plan.

I also wanted to talk to J about prenatal testing. I hadn’t really been planning on having anything other than the routine ultrasounds and blood tests done. But Tom firmly believes that we should have all of the testing possible so if the baby has Downs or spina bifida or CF or something we can abort. If it were only his decision, he’d screen for absolutely everything (and things we can’t screen for yet, too. Like IQ.) and if the baby isn’t perfectly ‘normal’, we’d roll the dice again. (His words.) On the one hand, part of this makes me so mad that I could spit. What is normal? I asked him if he’d abort a gay baby because their life would be more complicated, and they wouldn’t be able to marry their lover. He said it’s not the same, and we’d move to Canada. I know it’s not the same - there is a huge difference in the level of struggle that each child would face. But who are we to decide? And no matter what we do there’s no guarantee that our child won’t have difficulties? Life *is* difficulties. But he says why condemn a child to a life of suffering, and why condemn us to a child that’s a burden?

If our child were to have something like Tay-Sachs, which causes severe pain and very early death… well, I’d be more likely to agree to have an abortion. But short of that? I’m just not sure. I am going to have a connection to this baby. And who is to say that a child with some level of delay can’t make a contribution to society? Can’t have a happy, fulfilled life? Tom says he’s a bit worried that I wouldn’t just agree to abort. And I’m worried that he doesn’t understand my position, and that he’d abandon me and our child.

Chances are, everything will be fine. I’m young, relatively healthy, doing what I should be doing. But there are no guarantees. So, after extensive conversation with J, we’re getting the inital screening done (an integrated screening - blood tests in me and an ultrasound) and then, when we get the results we’ll make a decision about amnio. I’m doing my best to just let things ride for the next few weeks.

The best part of the appointment, though, and the main reason I asked Tom to come with me… was J broke out the doppler. Even though I’m only 12 weeks along, she spread the lube on the lowest part of my belly (right above my pubic bone) and started to scan. It took a few minutes… I got to hear random sloshings and the very distant sound of my own heartbeat… and then she said, “There it is.” The racing sound of the baby’s heart. She said, “There isn’t a train in your belly; that’s the baby.” Holy crap - I couldn’t believe it. There’s another being in there! With a heartbeat. And it’s moving all around! (She said she could hear it moving, which made it more difficult for her to get the heartbeat.) Both Tom and I were so moved. He took my hand and we just listened for several minutes. There aren’t words.

Posted on July 19th, 2007 by Kat
Filed under: pregnancy, General