Happy 3-month birthday, baby boy! I say this in every letter (and even more often than that in day-to-day life), but I just can’t believe how much you change in just a few short weeks. Every time I turn around you are doing something new. I have never been so fascinated by another person. Watching you grow and become your own person is my favorite pastime, as I’m sure it will be for the next several decades, I’m sure. I love getting to know you.

You keep changing so quickly. You’ve learned to suck your thumb, sometimes without poking yourself in the eye at the same time. You often prefer to just munch on your whole fist. I still need to encourage you not to gag yourself on your fingers. It seems like you’re going to be a right-handed person. You tend to have that hand in your mouth most often, and when you reach for a spoon in the restaurant, you use that hand.

You’ve started to roll over when I put you on your belly, though you don’t do it very often. The last time you did, you looked so surprised! You’ve also started giggling. You have ticklish knees and thighs. We can make you laugh just by joggling you a certain way.

You’re always happy to see Daddy when he gets home from work, and you like it when he gives you your evening bottle and holds you while you fall asleep for the evening. You even put up with him when he balances the bottle on his belly so he can play Grand Theft Auto 4 while feeding you. Yet another item in the list of things daddies and mommies do differently!

You’ve had more visitors - Mimi and Poppa visited again. They wish they lived closer. Mimi always cries when she has to say goodbye to you. Grandpa Brogan came for a weekend as well. You are never going to have a shortage of loving grandparents. Grandma Karen has been away for a couple of weeks, but she’ll be back soon. Today you listened carefully when she talked to you on the phone. She said you sound older when she heard you start to fuss.

Your crying has changed too. You don’t sound like a newborn anymore! And your pissed off cry has developed quite a high pitch at times. You like to whine before you fall asleep, and you still don’t hesitate to let me know when I’m not feeding you quickly enough. As a matter of fact, you always make sure your complaints are well known. (Though you don’t complain often.)

You’re still sleeping so spectacularly at night. Usually from 11 or so until 7. I don’t even mind that you’re King of Catnaps during the rest of the day.

We’ve started going out more to meet other Momma’s and babies. On Wednesday we do Moms and Babies yoga, where you mostly watch me sweat and make faces while I attempt the proper poses and try to remember to breathe. On Fridays we’ve gone to several New Moms’ support groups at Natural Resources. Today we went to the Homebirth Collective New Moms group, where you impressed everyone with how cute you are. You love to flirt with everyone. At least once a week we hang out with Anat and Talya.

We’ve kept traveling too. We went to Stairstep Falls in Marin and to the Maker Faire in San Mateo. We went to the Bay Area Homebirth Collective picnic in Berkeley and you met two of the midwives I interviewed (Sue and Abigail). You love to explore new places and see new people and I’m working my hardest to get over my shyness so you can experience everything you desire.

I love you my dude-er, my dude-head, my boober, my Tai. You are my sweetest boy.

Love,
Your Momma

I just have to take a minute to say how adorable I think that hat is on Tai. It’s still a little big, even though his head is ‘freakishly huge’ and the hat is a size small. Every boy needs a sky blue hat with Hawaiian flower print.

Today the three of us went to Golden Gate park, since we were going to visit a house that’s for sale in the Inner Sunset for Mom. I’ve been feeling like walking lately, so we parked by the house which was at 9th Ave between Noriega and Moraga. We headed down to the arboretum (which is one of my favorite places in the park) and soaked up some sun.

It’s funny, but ever since I had Tai I’ve been feeling more like moving. I’ve taken to walking a few times a week, usually with him in the stroller. At first it was to help him fall asleep in the hope that I could get some writing done. (Otherwise I’d use either the Moby or the Bjorn.) But lately I’ve been enjoying walking just for the sake of moving. I’ve walked down Cortland into the Mission, ending up somewhere around 21st Street. I have walked to Noe Valley from home. But more impressive, I’ve walked back up Cortland when I’m done. Usually I hate hiking up the hill (I am so lazy) but lately, it’s started to feel good.

I’m not sure if it’s nursing - giving me a feeling like my body is being used for something important, so I’d better keep it in good working order… or if it’s a shift in hormones, or if I’ve had a change in relationship to my body since giving birth, but I’ve gotten less fraught over it all. I’m not so worried about my weight. And it feels good to be active. This is not my usual sedentary self. It’s yet another change that’s come over me since becoming a mother. Maybe one of the more superficial ones, but I’m hoping it sticks around.

Continuing the trend of lovely weather on the weekends that Tom and I don’t have family visiting, today was a gorgeous day. (When Tom’s parents visited last weekend it was cold and windy. The weekend before that - sunny and hot. The weekend before that, when my aunt, uncle and cousin visited - cold and rainy. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?) I can’t just sit idly by and let the day pass without doing something, even if it does take half of the day to get started.

Tom, Tai and I started our day at one of our current favorite breakfast spots - Denny’s. Yes, I’m serious. Kid-friendly, cheap, and plenty of food. What with the nursing I have a tendency to eat like I’m preparing to hibernate for the winter. While we were there, I skimmed through a book of easy hikes in Northern California, looking for a perfect one. We decided we’d head up to the Stairstep Falls in Samuel Taylor State Park in Marin. Close, short hike, with a waterfall at the end. What more could one want? There were other hikes that looked interesting, but this one was supposed to be best from December to April and the other ones were good year round. I figured we’d take advantage of a good weekend before April ended.

We stopped at home so Tom could check in with work, then we headed out. I drove, which meant we missed our exit the first time around. Tom’s not the world’s best navigator - he was too busy fiddling with his iPhone to watch what I was doing. But we soon got ourselves back on track, and since I went the wrong way, we discovered a vegan restaurant where we could get dinner after our walk. It turned out to be perfect.

The walk was beautiful - wildflowers were in bloom and there were several little fields of forget-me-nots that we passed, as well as some other plants I don’t know the names of. It took a while to walk out to the waterfall because I kept stopping to take pictures. Tai rode in the Bjorn (thanks, Em!) on Tom on the way out and on me on the way back. He actually stayed awake the whole time, just looking around and studying the leaves and the trees and the sun. He got to nurse once we reached the falls - being out in the fresh air makes a boy hungry!

Unfortunately the waterfall was more of a trickle (I guess we were too close to the end of April, especially since we didn’t get a lot of rain this winter)… but it was still pretty. There were ferns and redwoods and it smelled like things growing. I could happily spend all of my time wandering through the woods.

We met up with a friend of my Mom’s for dinner at Cafe Gratitude in San Raphael. She hadn’t met Tai before and he was in a good mood through most of the meal, flirting and being adorable as usual.

When we got home and I was nursing Tai, his shirt had ridden up and I noticed a black spot in his belly button. At first I thought it was a poppy seed and wondered how it had gotten there. But it wouldn’t come out when I brushed at it. I looked closer and discovered… it was a tick! I was totally grossed out, and a bit freaked as well since ticks in Northern California carry Lyme Disease as well as some other lovely diseases. Tom took the tick off, and now we’re watching Tai carefully for any odd rashes or fevers. It hadn’t been there too long, so hopefully he’ll be okay. I wish I could protect him from anything bad… I’d rather have the tick on myself!

I think the rolling over was just a way to get out of the hated tummy time. I’m not sure what he hates about it, but hate it he does. He only tolerates being on his belly on the floor for about five minutes before he approaches meltdown. So I’ve been putting him on a new play mat thing that has a wedge pillow to prop him up a bit, so at least his face isn’t mashed into the floor. Yesterday I put his arms under him at first, rather than stretching them out over the pillow. After about one second he rolled right over. Thinking I might have had his weight to one side, not centered, I put him back on his belly. He rolled over again. Of course I broke out the video camera. I got him rolling several times, one time took him quite a bit of effort so it clearly wasn’t me doing it.

I called to share the excitement with Tom, and he said “oh, I’m sure he’s done that before. It’s just because you put his arms under his chest.” Yeah, that’s how he’d do it - but I can’t believe he’s rolled over when Tom hasn’t told me. I think he was just jealous. Either way, I called Mom and she was much more excited - a proper response.

The giggling thing was much harder to replicate. I’ve gotten him to do it a time or two since, but not many times. He’d just finished nursing and was laying on my lap looking up at me. We’d been playing the grinning game, when I realized he had a booger stuck under one nostril. Being the loving Momma I am, I picked it off with one finger. And he totally giggled about it! I don’t know if it tickled or what… but he did a real giggle. He had been trying to laugh for ages, and finally did it! It cracked me up. He hasn’t giggled for Tom yet, but I’m sure that’s coming.

I’m glad I went. When I arrived, the teacher said she was glad I came back. Apparently several of the other mothers went up to her after the class and said, “She knew she didn’t have to leave, right? We’re all Mamas, we don’t expect complete silence.” It felt good to know that, and to know that we weren’t disturbing anyone else last week. She also said that she understood if I was too frustrated to stay, too - that staying when I was feeling that way wouldn’t really work.

Today I left Tai in his car seat for most of the class. He looked at and played with a couple of toys, and watched me while I attempted to do the poses without hurting anything or looking like a total dork. I did a lot better with the former than the latter - I’m still a yoga n00b, so I spend a lot of time glancing at the other mamas out of the corners of my eyes and trying to figure out how to make my body go like that. Also - I think I need to get some new yoga pants, the ones I have are oddly loose around the waist and I think my belly hangs out when I do certain poses. Showing off my lovely stretch marks, woo!

All that aside, the only time I didn’t get to participate was around noon, when Tai decided it was lunch time. I nursed him, and a few minutes later there were several other babies eating. Lunch-time in yoga! It was amusing how moods seemed to sweep through many of the babies at a time. Tai started fussing at one point, and not long after several other babies started fussing too.

It felt good to go to the class. Not only was I doing good things for my body, but I was doing good things for my heart. Stretching felt really good, and it felt like a work-out too. I hadn’t remembered how much I enjoyed yoga physically, but I did during class. It was also good to be in a mama-friendly space. I didn’t have to even think about nursing in front of anyone (though I don’t too much anyway - I just nurse anywhere and everywhere), and after the conversation with the teacher I realized - I don’t have to worry when Tai fusses. People understand. It’s a relief. Now I just need to keep going back.

I got to spend a couple of hours with a group of adults, talking about writing, thinking about writing, and even doing some writing. It’s going to be a good class, I think. There are five of us (including me) - four women and one man. Since it’s such a small class we’re going to get to share our writing a lot more often than planned. This is going to be really good for me. It’s going to make me sit my butt down in a chair when Tai is sleeping or Tom is home and put pen to paper. (Or fingers to keyboard, depending.) My first day of sharing is next Sunday, which means I need new stuff by Thursday.

One of the women seems a bit pretentious, but I’m trying to hold off on judgment. The other two seem down to earth - and no one seems like they’re going to be overly critical, including the teacher. This is the first time I’ve had a male writing teacher since college and my painful experience with Professor Clayton. I’m hoping that this helps me get past that experience. One of my goals in this class is to make a writing friend or two. Or, at the very least, decide whether or not I like this teacher - if I do I can take the class again.

I did write a bit tonight and I thought I’d share -
The assignment was to write about a sensory image from our past (whether that past is today or our childhood). We had seven minutes.

“The first time I held my son to my breast I was surprised. At his weight in my arms. The spread of warmth from his skin to mine, from his heart to mine. The strength of his pull at my nipple. His greedy, gulping swallows. His own particular smell as I dip my nose to his head. The tiny starfish of his hand againts my breast. His tiny, satisfied sounds. The slide of his breath against my skin. The shifting grey of his eyes. The lengthening of the distance between us and the rest of the world. The depth of ache in my heart.

I am still surprised.”

The day started out on the right foot, though. Tai woke up at 6:30 or so, giving me a full seven hours of sleep. This makes me quite the happy camper. He was in a good mood, and Tom even had a few minutes to play with him before heading to work. I decided I made eggs for breakfast enough times this week (Tai gets bored waiting for me to cook) so I went to buy some milk at Good Life. Tom walked down the block with Tai and me, too. Tai decided he loves Good Life - they have ceiling fans above their door. I hadn’t noticed, but he was totally checking them out from the Bjorn. I have to say, I haven’t been out of the house at 8:30 in ages. Early!

Since I was awake and about, I decided to take Tai to the Moms and Babies yoga at Bernal Yoga. I fed him not long before we left, changed his diaper and figured all would be well. Can you guess where this is going? He started fussing before the class even started. The only time he stopped was when I was playing with him (not doing yoga) or nursing. In an hour I got about ten minutes of yoga in. Just enough to stretch my right leg so I was nicely lopsided for the rest of the day. We left early because otherwise none of my classmates would have been able to hear the instructor. At least we weren’t the first ones leaving. I figure Tai was just bored - who wants to lay around on the floor and watch Mom do weird bendy things? Plus, it was hot. And maybe he was picking up on my nervousness - I’m not the greatest at starting new things. My Mom says we should keep trying - after all, it was new for him too - and it might be a good way to meet other Moms.

For the rest of the day, Tai was mostly fussy. He was fine when he was eating or I was holding him, and when we went out to the Post Office and the pet store for dog food… and we even got a good half an hour or so of floor play time… but otherwise it was rough. He wasn’t much of a napper, either. I finally hit my limit around 7 and put him in the stroller and walked up and down Cortland for about half an hour or 40 minutes. He fell asleep while we were moving and didn’t wake up until we got home - and the stroller stopped. Fortunately Tom had arrived then.

Mom’s back down in the desert for a couple of weeks, so I’m trying to find ways to keep myself occupied. I really need to make more friends who are also mothers. Anat and I got together yesterday afternoon. We headed down to a coffee shop on Mission, then just went back to her place and hung out. It was cool to see her daughter, Talya and Tai together. Tai didn’t seem to notice her too much, but she kept looking at him while they were ‘playing’ together on the floor. I think it’s helpful just to be with someone else who has a kid near Tai’s age.

Unfortunately the support group for women who had difficult, disappointing or traumatic birth experiences that was going to start at Natural Resources didn’t get enough people signed up and so was cancelled. I was looking forward to meeting other women who had gone through similar things… Maybe I’ll post on Craigslist and see if I can start something myself. We’ll see.

So it’s ten-thirty and I’m feeling frazzled and sort of bummed. But it’s almost time for bed, then sleep and tomorrow’s another day.

In other news - don’t watch sad dog movies when already having a rough night. I am such a sucker for dogs; I bawl like a baby when they get killed.

So I’m a bit earlier than before - but still a week late. I suppose it’s a lot like much of my life lately. I start out getting ready to go somewhere with the best intentions… I begin preparing to leave with what I figure is plenty of time… then somehow, before I realize it, I’m running late. Getting both of us ready to go *always* seems to take longer than expected. I don’t know if it’s the last minute diaper changes, the diaper bag packing, or what - maybe I’ve just begun moving very slowly? Ah well. After all, this is how Tomcala Time ™ started. When your Great-Aunt Chris had her first baby, she started running late to all family gatherings… her husband, Greg, would tease her and call it Tomcala Time - because everything happened slowly. It’s only gotten worse.

Your Dad and I were walking with you through Crissy Field today. While you napped in the stroller, we chatted. Neither of us can believe it, but you are more like a real person every day. I only fall deeper in love with you. You love to smile to get our attention, and to get us to smile back. You coo and still try really hard to talk. When I tickle your round belly or the bottoms of your feet you grin and open your mouth wide and sometimes make a sound that is almost a laugh. Once in a while, though, it seems like you don’t know what to do about what you feel when I tickle you. You rarely fuss - mostly when you’re bored or you’re tired of being in your carseat. You lodge your complaint, then usually fall asleep if we don’t do something to entertain you. You only truly cry when you’re hungry (and want boobie now, Now, NOW) or when you’re so tired you don’t know how to fall asleep. Sometimes the paci helps you, or Dad’s finger.

You love to experience new things. When we go out to eat, you want to be sitting at the table with us, participating and not stuck off in your carseat. You’ve been to sushi, to Vietnamese, to Clement Street Bar and Grill, to Denny’s - and at all of these restaurants you have sat at the table. You have begun checking out what all is there - silverware, chopsticks, food. Just this past week Grandma and I put a spoon in front of you and, after studying it quite intently for some time, you finally managed to reach out and touch it. You are gaining more control of those pesky hands, though sometimes they still tend to fly around and hit you in the head.

You’ve begun to sleep through the night, though I hesitate to even write those words, for fear of jinxing it. Your Dad and I have actually gotten 6 and 7 hours of sleep in a row. This makes us much more patient and understanding, let me tell you.

You’ve had your first bottles - two given by Grandma, the other by your Great-Aunt Chris. I had hoped to take you to your first concert this past week - Eddie Vedder was playing a small venue in Berkeley, but was talked out of it by other people who were much more concerned with your hearing than with getting to experience the greatness that is Eddie. So you were away from me for the longest time yet. You stayed with Grandma, Aunt Chris, Uncle Greg and Cousin David from 6:30 until around midnight. Other than getting hungry on the ride home, you were perfectly fine. You thought the bottle was a great way to get milk, until the first edge of your hunger was dulled and then you wondered where the boob was.

You still love to eat. Every couple of hours during the day - and if I forget, you are not shy to remind me. During the last week, you’ve stopped nursing a couple of times to smile at me. There is no sweeter smile.

Needless to say, you met some of your Michigan relatives, when Chris, Greg and David came to town and spent a week. You flirted with Aunt Chris right away, and studied David intently. Hopefully your older cousin won’t get you into any trouble when you’re bigger.

You went to Berkeley (and got some lovely tie-dyed onesies and a new tie-dyed hat), you went to the Haight (and got a punk hat with skull and crossbones), you went to Ocean Beach with Dad and me and put your feet in the water. It was too cold, even though the day was *hot*. You’ve been to wine country. You’ve been to Crissy Field. You’ve been all over the city. You’ve decided that you like riding in the Baby Bjorn facing out, so you can see the world.

Even though you’re not much of a fan of being on your tummy (too frustrating!), you can lift your head, and even begin to push up your chest and look around. You like to listen to music boxes (especially the pig, and the cow).

You’re really beginning to see the world, and I can’t wait to introduce you to more of it. This is only the beginning!

Love,
Your Momma (who hears you crying upstairs with Daddy. Time for pre-sleep snack!)

I’d meant to write you monthly letters, at least for the first year of your life. Here I am, two weeks late (halfway between months) actually sitting down and writing. I’m sure it won’t be the last time I’m late in doing something I had planned for you. Hopefully I’ll be able to hold to my good intentions as you grow up, even if it’s not in a timely fashion, and even if it doesn’t turn out the way I’d hoped. After all, I know I’m not going to be a perfect mother. I’d just like to be good enough.

The past six weeks has been quite a journey for both of us. Your birth didn’t go as I’d planned (are there any that do?) but it was an experience I treasure none-the-less. After all, it gave me you - healthy, happy, sweet. It’s taken me most of these weeks to grasp that it was *you* inside me for all of those months. What a strange thing, and so amazing. I can barely imagine you fitting in there. But one thing makes it clear - when you stretch, slowly and luxuriously, arms above your head. I have felt that movement before, so many times, but from the inside. Growing a baby is such a commonplace miracle.

In the last week you seem to have grown in huge leaps, and I don’t just mean physically. Though I certainly don’t have to wonder if you’re getting enough milk from nursing. You aren’t the skinny little thing you were when you were born. You’ve got pudgy cheeks and a double chin. Even your arms and legs are gaining weight. I love to nibble your fingers and toes and to razz your round belly. You are starting to lose the hair you were born with, though you aren’t bald yet. More like you have a tonsure, which combined with your belly and your fat cheeks make you look a bit like I imagine Friar Tuck to look.

But better, you’ve started to smile when either Daddy or I smile at you. You grin with your whole face, your whole body. You twist with pleasure. You open and close your mouth as though you’re trying to talk to us… and sometimes you manage a few sounds. You concentrate with your tongue. You are beginning to communicate even now.

You made your first long car trip - accompanying Grandma T and me down to her house in Palm Desert. You are a true member of my family, as you demonstrated by sleeping for much of the rides both ways. You didn’t even mind when Little Dog curled up with you in your car seat and slept at your feet. And you let Violetta puppy lick you and ply her nibbling teeth on your fingers and toes. You were quite patient through a poopy blow out and spitting up on the front seat when I didn’t burp you quickly enough. You went swimming for the first time, and discovered that you like the water. You fell in love with the ceiling fan in Grandma’s living room, and the bird sculptures in our bedroom. You smiled at and tried to talk to them both. And you spent at least fifteen minutes watching an Easter Bunny balloon - in one sitting.

And for the first time you were away from your Daddy. He had to go to China and so you were separated for a week. He missed you immensely, though we did have nightly webcam chats. You didn’t recognize him on the computer, but you heard his voice and you knew it was your Daddy. You missed him, too.

According to Grandma’s friend Judy, who is a nurse, at 6 weeks you have crossed the line and are no longer a newborn. It feels like you’ve been with me forever and for only a few days. I am so excited to watch you grow.

Love always,
Your Momma

I’m having a much better day today than I’ve had in a few days. I’m feeling more optimistic and just happier all around. I’m not sure why that is… but hey, I’ll take it. I’ve been irritated with myself for being so down. After all, I have a wonderful baby. He’s completely sweet and adorable. He’s generally good natured so far. He’s just about the perfect boy in my ever so humble opinion. I know I’m lucky and when I’m feeling good it’s much easier to be grateful. And I should be grateful every day.

Brogan and Des are in town for the weekend. They aren’t staying with us, but they’ve spent most of their time here instead of going out on the town as usual. I think they may be as much in love with Tai as the rest of his grandparents. They came bearing many adorable outfits for Tai. At this rate he’s going to be much better dressed than either Tom or I, which is as it should be. They also remembered that my birthday is coming up, and brought me a prezzie too. Now I get to have a shopping spree at Border’s. I can never have too many books. It cracks me up, how excited they are about Tai. (And I love it.) They adore him, and have been so sweet to both him and me. Even though it’s a rainy weekend, it’s been good.

Unfortunately Tai has come down with a case of thrush. I called his pediatrician yesterday and got him a prescription for nystatin. I might have considered doing a natural remedy, but I really wanted him to feel better quickly. His mouth seems to be hurting him while he nurses and he’s been more fussy than usual. I wish there were an instant cure, but hopefully this medication will work quickly. His tongue looks better today than yesterday at least. And he doesn’t seem to mind the medication either. I am going to have to treat myself, too, because it seems to be spreading. (Which makes nursing uncomfortable for me, as well. Oww.)

Tom and Tai have fallen asleep in front of the television so it must be time for bed. Here’s hoping tomorrow is another good day.